You can feel the fight coming
before either of you says a word
Same fight, different clothes. A part of you gets loud, a part of them goes quiet, and somehow you're strangers in your own kitchen again. This is where that pattern gets named, slowed down, and rebuilt into something you actually want, together. The way through runs through the wise adult in each of you meeting the wise adult in the other.
A brief first conversation to see whether this feels like a fit.
- The key in the door, a certain sigh, and your chest is already tight. The argument has started before anyone speaks.
- One of you gets louder and faster. The other goes somewhere far behind their eyes.
- You've explained it a hundred times and they still don't get it. They've explained it a hundred times and you still don't get it.
- A raised voice puts one of you somewhere older, and suddenly you're strangers in your own kitchen.
- You take their words literally; they hear things you never said.
- You fought the world to be together. Now the fight lives at home.
- By the time you've kept the peace, kept the schedule, kept it all together, there is no you left to bring to the relationship.
- LGBTQ+ couples who want affirming support, without having to explain or defend who you are ๐
- Neurodivergent relationships, where you love each other and still keep missing each other
- Partnerships carrying trauma, where old survival patterns show up between you
- Any couple stuck repeating the same fight and wanting a different way through
- Mid-argument, something in you looks up and notices: we're doing it again. And just like that, it's a little less automatic.
- You feel the old reply rising, and find you can put it down. Not every time. More and more.
- The sigh that used to mean you've done something wrong starts to sound like what it is: a long day.
- Arguments lose their heat sooner, and the silence afterwards lasts an hour instead of days.
- You stop translating and start feeling understood.
- When something old gets touched, you can say so, and be helped back.
- You can be close without disappearing, and be yourself without leaving.
- Looking after yourself and looking after the relationship stop being two different jobs.
How it works: the cycle underneath the fight
Most repeating conflict runs on one shared loop. Something small happens, a part of each of you reacts before either of you decides to, and each partner's protection becomes the other's next trigger. When the cycle runs, parts are talking to parts, and the two of you are somewhere behind them. Sessions find this cycle, slow it down, and help each of you find the way back to Self inside it, together.
A tone, a look, a silence. Often something small on the surface
Attachment alarm or trauma response in the body, often too fast to notice
Pursue, criticise, defend, withdraw, shut down
Parts talking to parts: each protector lands in the other's body as the next trigger, and around it goes, while the two of you disappear behind them.
Your partner's protector, received as distance or threat
Its own alarm, with its own history and its own logic
โฆwhich loops straight back as Partner A's next trigger
Therapy steps in, and finds the Self behind the parts
Awareness
You learn to catch the moment a protective part takes over: the heat, the drop, the urge to fight, flee, or disappear. Even a small step back from the part is a step towards Self, before it runs the show.
The story underneath
Each part gets its story told, with your partner witnessing from Self: what it protects, where it learned to, and why it once made perfect sense.
Healing trauma
Once we know what each protector is protecting, we heal the relational wounds underneath. This includes deep inner-child work with both partners present, your partner witnessing from Self, creating corrective emotional experiences where trust and empathy can deepen.
Self-to-Self skills
You build the concrete moves of secure functioning, asking, repairing, staying present, finding your way back when you slip, so you can respond from Self, on purpose, next time.
What each of you works through alone becomes something you hold jointly: the cycle can be seen as it starts, named out loud, and answered Self to Self instead of part to part. And when both of you are regulated enough to stay there, something reliable happens: you get creative. Solutions neither of you could force mid-fight start to appear on their own, because the two people who know this relationship best are finally both in the room.
The premise: Self to Self
Underneath the parts that fight and hide, each of you has an intact centre. Different traditions give it different names, the Self, the wise adult, your secure-functioning core. It's the you that is calm, curious, compassionate, and connected, and it's already there, in both of you. It just gets covered over whenever a protective part takes the wheel.
Protection meets protection
Wise adult meets wise adult
The working premise of this therapy is simple: what most couples are missing is access, and the solutions tend to look after themselves. When both nervous systems are regulated and Self can meet Self, the relationship becomes naturally creative. The conversation that was impossible at midnight becomes workable, sometimes even generative, and compromises begin to be offered freely, without anyone having to extract them.
And you won't stay there. Nobody does. Parts will take the wheel again, sometimes mid-sentence, and that's the material of the work. The real skill it builds is repair: noticing you've slipped, naming it, and finding your way back to each other sooner and more cleanly each time. Every repair is a small corrective experience in itself. Done over and over, this is how a relationship becomes secure: you learn, in your bodies, that connection survives rupture.
My job is to help each of you find your way back to Self, to help your Selves meet, and to help you repair when you lose each other, more often, more easily, until that becomes the place your relationship lives from.
Who this tends to suit best
This work tends to go deepest for couples who can already name their pattern, and want to understand it and each other more deeply. In practice, that often looks like:
- You've already done some work on yourself in therapy, or you're ready to start, and you want to bring that same honesty into the relationship.
- You're curious about the different parts of you that show up in conflict, the one that gets loud, the one that goes quiet, the one that keeps score, and willing to meet them rather than be run by them.
- You want your partner in the room for that work: someone doing their own alongside you, each of you a witness to the other's more vulnerable parts.
- You're both here to help each other. Whatever comes up in session stays something you build together, and it stays there, rather than getting picked up later as ammunition.
- You're curious about what's happening in your body, the tight chest, the held breath, the urge to bolt, and willing to slow down and notice it rather than push past it.
- You're open to looking at where old wounds are still running the show now, so they carry less weight over time.
- You'd rather feel what's actually happening between you moment to moment, in the room, than just talk about it after the fact.
Free consultation: a brief first conversation to discuss what brings you here and whether couples therapy feels like the right fit.
Assessment (3-5 sessions): the first of these runs 90 minutes. Together they cover a joint session and an individual session with each of you, so your histories and your cycle are properly understood before the deeper work begins.
Ongoing work: some couples come for a focused number of sessions, while others work together over a longer period. Frequency is discussed together.
Individual check-ins: further individual sessions may be suggested later if helpful. This would always be discussed openly with both of you.
Frequently asked questions
What do you mean by "parts" and "Self"?
The you who gets loud in an argument, the you who goes silent, and the you who watches both and wishes things were different are all parts, each with its own history and its own job. Underneath them sits Self, the wise adult in you that stays calm, curious, and connected under pressure. In session we get to know the parts that run your cycle, and strengthen each of your access to Self, so that more of the relationship happens Self to Self. This draws on parts-based and inner-child approaches, and on secure-functioning couples work.
Do you work with LGBTQ+ and neurodivergent couples?
Yes, deliberately, and I know both from the inside: I'm gay, and on my own neurodivergent journey. Minority stress, outness differences, masking, and different ways of sensing and expressing care are treated as real, valid parts of your relationship from the first session, already understood rather than something you have to explain.
What if only one of us wants to come?
Couples therapy works best when both partners are willing to attend. If that's not possible right now, individual therapy can still be a meaningful place to explore your own patterns in the relationship and clarify what you want for yourself.
Is couples therapy always appropriate?
I take a safety-first approach, and couples therapy may not be the right fit where there is violence, fear, or controlling behaviour in the relationship; an ongoing undisclosed affair; active, untreated addiction; or severe, untreated mental health difficulties that would make the work unsafe. If you're unsure whether any of this applies, you're welcome to raise it in the consultation.
How are sessions held?
Couples therapy isn't a courtroom: my role is to help slow the process down and support both of you in understanding what happens between you. Sessions are confidential except where there's a serious risk to safety or a child protection concern. Strong emotion is welcome, but sustained shouting, name-calling, or contempt aren't workable in the room.
If this feels like it might be a fit, you're welcome to book a free 15-minute consultation.