The different ways
we learn to survive
and why it makes sense
Have you ever felt as though one side of you wants to fight, another wants to run away, and another just wants to disappear? Or found yourself doing something you desperately wish you could stop?
Eating difficulties, addiction, self-harm and suicidal thoughts are often seen as the problem itself. Yet for many people, they are connected to earlier overwhelming experiences, and to parts of us that are still trying, in their own way, to keep us safe.
This page draws on the work of Janina Fisher, whose approach to trauma helps make sense of these conflicting responses with curiosity rather than blame.
When the past feels like the present
We often think of memory as a story we can tell. But Janina Fisher describes how overwhelming experiences are frequently remembered in a different way: as feeling memories. These are body sensations, emotions, impulses and reactions, rather than clear pictures or words.
When something in the present echoes the past, such as a tone of voice, a look, a silence or a smell, these feeling memories can be activated. They arrive without a label that says "this is a memory". So instead of feeling like remembering, it feels like something is happening right now.
This is why a reaction can feel so much bigger, or so much younger, than the situation in front of you. Your body may be responding to what once was, rather than to what is actually happening today.
Recognising a feeling memory doesn't make it disappear. But it can create a little space between you and the reaction, enough to begin responding differently.
Fisher describes how trauma can leave us with different, sometimes conflicting, survival responses. Each one developed for a reason. Each one is still trying to help.
The Protector โ Fight
"Never let them hurt you again."
An inner guard who has learned that the world can be dangerous. It stays alert and ready to fight back, because anger can feel safer than fear or helplessness. It may show up as rage, mistrust or pushing people away, or it may turn inward as harsh self-criticism, self-harm or, for some people, suicidal impulses.
The Distancer โ Flight
"I can't bear this. Make it stop."
An escape route that is always open. When feelings or body sensations become overwhelming, this part tries to get away, by staying busy, withdrawing, or finding a quick way to switch off through alcohol, drugs, food or other compulsive behaviours. The relief is real, but brief, and the behaviour can become another source of pain.
The Terrified One โ Freeze
"I'm trapped. I can't do anything."
An emergency brake. When something feels too dangerous, the system may go blank, numb or still. This part can carry intense fear, even when you can't explain what you're afraid of, and its overwhelm can trigger other parts to rush in and take control.
The Ashamed One โ Submit
"It's my fault. I must be the problem."
A part that learned to survive by making itself smaller: giving in, pleasing others, and turning blame inward. It can leave you feeling worthless, unable to say no, or undeserving of help, which can make reaching out feel almost impossible.
The Needy One โ Attach
"Please don't leave me alone."
A part that reaches desperately for comfort and reassurance. If closeness once felt uncertain or unsafe, even a small sign of distance can feel like the threat of losing everything. When this part feels rejected, other parts may respond with anger, self-harm or frantic attempts to reconnect.
The One Who Keeps Going
"Keep going. There's no time to fall apart."
The part that gets up, goes to work and keeps life running. It helps you function, but may push painful feelings aside because there seems to be no room for them. Life can look fine on the outside while other parts remain frightened, ashamed or desperate for relief.
Every part, in its own way, is turning towards what it hopes will keep you safe.
One part feels rejected and reaches desperately for connection. Another feels exposed and reacts with anger. A third feels ashamed and blames you. Then the part that wants to escape reaches for alcohol, drugs, food or another way to switch off.
The relief may be brief, and the shame, fear or loneliness may return even more strongly. What looks like self-sabotage can sometimes be a cycle of protective responses that don't yet know how to work together.
Sometimes distress shows up through behaviours that hurt us, even while another part of us desperately wants things to change. These behaviours are not all the same, and no single part explains them all.
- Eating difficulties: restricting, binge eating, purging or rigid food rules may be connected with attempts to manage overwhelming feelings, regain a sense of control, numb distress or respond to shame.
- Addiction: alcohol, drugs, gambling or other compulsive behaviours may offer a brief escape from painful feelings or an activated body.
- Self-harm: for some people, it may be an attempt to manage unbearable distress, interrupt numbness, express pain or regain a sense of control.
- Suicidal thoughts or impulses: these can arise when pain, fear or hopelessness feels unbearable. They deserve careful attention and support, not to be treated as simply another behaviour to overcome.
If you are in immediate danger, call 112 or 999. Samaritans are available any time, free, on 116 123.
The aim isn't to get rid of these parts, but to understand why they developed and help them discover that life can be different now.
You are not broken because you have conflicting feelings or impulses. These patterns are possible ways of understanding your experience, not a diagnosis or a description that will fit everyone.
Instead of asking, "What's wrong with me?", you might begin by asking, "What is happening inside me, and what might I need right now?"
If this resonates, you're welcome to book a free 15-minute consultation to see whether working together feels like a fit. No obligation, just a first conversation.